Updated: May 6
Have you heard of it? Have you listened to him?
Well, Kevin Samuels is a whole effect.
Negatively or positively on Black relationships? Only time will tell!
My first impression of this image consultant/ relationship guru was confusion. I couldn't understand why this older man seemed to be 'grooming' young girls to be perfect wives. And I use the word 'Groom' to trigger Bride and Groom as well as coercion.
Why are husbands grooms anyway?
But as I continued to watch I found that this perspective - The Kevin Samuels effect - was a perspective that I'd heard before.
Not wrapped in caramel, with an exterior suit and tie like Mr Samuels - mine were wrapped in the dark, unfiltered chocolate, with an exterior of rough, rugged and real - the men in my life.
Here's the thing.
What I'd rejected growing up, and judged as being
Seems to actually be
Protector/ provider role
That heterosexual male perspective... in what he would like in a wife.
They're clear ... but is it what us heterosexual women want/ need to hear?
His requirements, and expectations are that we support what HE does!
And whilst I'd never encourage women to put themselves in vulnerable, unhappy situations - the question both Kevin Samuels and your inner self is asking is...
Do you want to be a wife?
This question is for you to ask you.
Like really breakdown WHY it is so important that you get married!
Your family and friends cannot help you... they lie about their circumstances. Society also coerces you into the fairy-tale which is the wedding...
But Mr Samuels makes a great point when discussing training.
Have you trained to be a wife?
It universal law that whatever you do in life, you probably have to practise.
Riding a bike,
Being a lawyer....
So isn't the same principle necessary for marriage?
Despite your dream of being a princess, and having everyone slave away for you on your special day... who has trained you to be a wife?
Do you want the marriage or is it just the wedding?
Is your mother married, has she trained you and is she happy?
Around 10 years ago I had a really deep conversation with a gay woman I met at an audition. We got talking about relationships, and she shared with me what being a wife meant to her, and why she never wanted to be one.
At the time I'd just left the church, and so was going through my own un-programming from the need to be married in order to be woman... maybe that's why what she said stuck!
"To be a wife is to be someone's property".
Alimony - is like when you abandon your used car. Even though you don't want it... She is still your legal responsibility".
The effect that Kevin Samuels has - is that he is selling something that a lot of women think they want... but the truth is... if you're honest... you do not want this!
What we want... (maybe) is babies.
Imagine going to the shop because you desire a mango.
When you get there the sales person approaches you and tells you how amazing you look!
Ego makes you forget why you came.
The salesman consistently flatters you with a new dress, gives you some money and says that
he will meet you at the end of aisle 9 where he'll look after you forever.
You feel so special
So special you fall in love with the sales person, and allow him to put you on the top shelf of the store. How now will you be able to get the mango?
You need the sales person, for sure - without him a mango isn't possible.
But the problem we face is forgetting our objective and getting caught up in the SALE!
Have you tuned into my review of Therapy for Black Girls?
According to Kevin AND ME we all need therapy!
I think in order to have a healthy family, marriage is a good start.
However, there are many women that just are not wives... and that's OK!
My advice to women, black women in particular, is that in your quest to take up space, be mindful that not all spaces are yours!
What makes YOU happy! Do you want your character, your trauma, your career to be controlled by your man? What is a man's nature? Remember - if he's your hero the only position for you to be is his help-mate.
Have you been trained?
RIP to #kevinsamuels It seems that for Black Love to exist so does death!
Listen for yourself to The Kevin Samuels Effect
This show is targeted mainly at Black relationships, although not exclusively! This is a great sell, especially because of the damage both slavery and white supremacy/ racism visits (consciously or unconsciously) on every single black relationship across the planet!
Kevin Samuels primarily talks to women, which I think is problematic simply because he isn't one. He seems unaware of how many women have first hand experience of abuse. However he has got videos addressing men and how they can 'step-up and be high value'. But ultimately this is a new age talk show and should be received with humour!